Catharsis of a living ghost

This is me in the most fucked up stage of my life.

A couple of weeks ago, I resigned from my job because I thought I should be doing something else. I thought of going back to my idealistic state of mind 5 years ago. I tried my best, really. I’m not making this up.

Its amazing how letting go of yourself can bring up a lot of stupid questions. At first, it felt good – being free and all that. But then you’ll realize that you just stumbled upon a fork in the road. The most disturbing question I had for myself was, “Is this what I really want?”

For days, I wasted time playing Mafia wars, Farmville, Vampire wars, Kung fu Pets, and Restaurant city on Facebook. I’d do anything to get my mind off of that stupid question. I distracted myself by watching movies and TV shows for hours on the couch. I made myself believe that I’m doing some serious soul-searching; but in reality, I’m just procrastinating. I’m putting off the homework that I’m supposed to be doing, and that I should have done years ago.

Its stupid, really; This homework that I’m talking about. It just has something to do with what I want; what I desire; what my goals are. I envy people who know what they want; however great or small it is. At least they have something to aspire for, no matter how impossible it may be.

So, yeah. I resigned from my job hoping that I would get the enlightenment I was hoping for. I was keen on hitting the target. The only problem was, I don’t know what my target is supposed to be.

I spent long hours in the night tossing and turning on my bed. The stupid questions kept bothering me. What do I want? How come I don’t know what I want? Am I too satisfied with my crazy little world that I don’t have the desire to want something? Or is it that I’m too scared to go after what I want and I refuse to acknowledge that I’m missing something?

If you’ve been reading my past blogs, (like this one -> Stranger than fiction and sky cable) you would, by now know that I believe in predestination. This may be too much to take in just one reading, I know. I personally think that a single blog entry cannot convey my thoughts (especially when I’m half-drunk and my mind is free-flowing, just like right now). I believe that everything has been written. We are all actors following the script that some omnipotent being has created. You think you did really great on that quiz? Well, think again. Maybe it was written in the book of fate that you should get those questions because you know the answers to them. So you think you’re this smart-ass, big-shot dude that your company is raving about? Hold that thought for a moment. Maybe you we’re destined to get those achievements. Maybe you were also destined to get screwed no matter how much you prayed to your God. Maybe I’m supposed to be writing this blog at 6:55AM on a fucking wonderful Thursday morning. Do you get what I’m saying? I’m just saying that maybe, just maybe, you are made to believe that you are the ones doing these things. Maybe you are made to think that you are in control of your life, when in fact, you’re just following the fate that has been assigned for you. No matter how much you struggle, its all been written. Maybe its been written that you’d realize this, but then again, there is nothing you can do.

This fucked up belief is probably one of the reasons why I don’t know what I want. I was content on living like a drifter. I just let myself be blown by the winds of fate like some useless piece of plastic bag. If I hit a dead end, well at least I know it wasn’t my fault because I’m just following where the wind takes me. I am indifferent to the current events because I know that’s how its supposed to be. I actually hate reading and watching the news because its like reading some tragic novel. And what makes it worse is the fact that it really is happening in reality. I pick up things that come along my way and go wherever my fate brings me. Then suddenly, when I was stuck in home for a few days, I just realized that that sort of living is such a cowardly way to live. I felt sick knowing that all this time, I’ve been letting myself float to wherever the opportunities take me. For the first time, in a very long time, I wanted to be in control again, or at least feel that I am in control. And sadly, I failed.

To be in control of your life, first of all (well, this is my opinion), you need to know what you want. How on Earth can a ship captain control a boat if he doesn’t know his destination? So there. I was stuck on that question. What do I really want? I, sure as hell, don’t know. I’ve been asking myself that question for the longest time. I’m 26 fucking years old now and I need to know where I’m supposed to go. Should I go this way or that?

This may sound corny but I thought of this, and it has also been suggested by my friends, that I should go on a retreat. Yeah. That’s right, and maybe after a few days I may realize that I really want to run for President (no offense to supporters of Noynoy). I also wished that a meteorite would suddenly hit my head and make me realize what I want.

Well, enough of that. I know that deep within my subconscious lies my treasured goals. Brush away the insecurities, erase the fears, clear out the apprehensions, and dig deep within the layers of disillusionment and jadedness, I shall find in my core, whatever it is that I want to achieve and whatever it is that I want to become. The mere thought of doing all those excruciating tasks is enough to discourage me and let myself fall back to the state of being a drifter. Its such a cowardly and spineless way of living, I know. But at least it stops me from slashing my wrists. And I’m still trying to be positive, hoping that someday, I will find out what it is that I want. When that day comes, I will be the happiest creature in the universe.

26. Yep. That’s my age now. Believe it or not.

I celebrated my birthday the usual way. Just got drunk over the weekend. Nothing fancy or wild, I should add. I spent Saturday drinking with my friends from the office. Then, Sunday was videoke day/night with my cousins and friends from home. Of course there was drinking involved in there too.

I am writing this now with a screaming hangover and lots of unanswered questions. I hope you excuse me if this blog seems incoherent. When I’m disoriented like this, I tend to digress from one topic to another. Well, I don’t even have a main topic to start with so I guess this should be fine. Let me ramble on and hopefully, we’ll get somewhere.

Ok. First of all, thank you to everyone who greeted me and wished me well on my birthday. Thank you for remembering. I didn’t expect that much people to know it was my birthday and it was quite surprising that some people suddenly greeted me out of the blue. Thank you for the heartwarming messages from all types of communication. – SMS, Facebook comments, Friendster testi, email, verbal greeting, body language, facial expression, and so on and so forth. Your greetings made up for the awful weather on my actual birthday. August 6 was the rainiest day of the year for me, and with the country mourning over a beloved former president who passed away, it only added another shade of melancholy. Nevertheless, all is well and I was able to convince myself that the rain was, in a way, purging me from all the sad stories of last year. Its time for a fresh start, it seemed to say to me.

Since we got to the topic of fresh starts, I viewed my blog entry for last year. I was reading through my birthday blog of 2008 and some sort of chill started going up my spine. Its not the good kind, I should say.

I had this terrifying realization that nothing much has changed. I’m still running around in circles. It was so surreal reading my past blog and feeling as if I’d written it just yesterday. Something’s not quite right and I can’t, for the life of me, point out what it is. Its like being a character in a Haruki Murakami novel. (You could probably tell I’ve been reading too much Murakami lately. I realized that I’m now a fan.) For how long I’ve been chasing my own tail, I have no idea. 3 years? Or maybe more than that. I’m getting tired of it, really. I can’t help but ask myself –‘Is this it?’ Is this the adult life that I so coveted when I was a little kid? Is this the freedom that I’ve been dreaming of? Am I who I wished to be when I was in the stage of planning for my future? The answer scares me.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of running away from it all. I’d like to go to some far-away place where nobody knows me, some obscure place in the corner of this planet where I could learn a new language, recreate myself, and just be someone different, someone free from disillusionment. I wish that people’s lives had a reboot button so that you can just restart yourself when you’re stuck in a loop.

I guess you can say that its human nature to want. No matter how much you have, you can never be satisfied. Some of my friends say I’m lucky to be me. Maybe they’re right. Maybe they’re wrong. One thing is certain though (in my point of view at least) - I’m not yet there. And that, is the sobering truth I have come to realize.

Ω

I’ll try to make this as cryptic as possible. My previous blogs were pretty much wide open for everyone to read and it left me defenseless and vulnerable; if you know what I mean. In as much as I don’t want to write this, I just can’t stand it anymore. I did my best to silence myself for, how long was that? – 3 months? 6 months? Or maybe more than that. Hell, its longer than that! Its time I gave myself a chance to let the shit out.

Ok. Here goes.

You make me sick.

Hold on. Before you go on thinking that I’m talking about you in particular, think again. Maybe its not you. Maybe you just happened to read this. Maybe the person I’m offering that statement to, is not even reading my blogs. Maybe I’m referring to more than one person. Whatever the case may be, I just needed to write this.

You. Make. Me. Sick.

You and your perverted relationships. I hate the way you smooth-talk everyone into thinking that you’re helpless against the scenarios you’re getting into. Its just hard to believe that some people are gullible enough to believe you. Talk about a devil’s tongue. Maybe your ‘friends’ are just as perverted as you are. I don’t care where you get your perverted friends or wherever shithole you spend your perverted ‘parties’ at.

Humor me all you want. Bring me down if that makes you happy, but please, stay away from my friends. I can’t stand seeing them being corrupted by your perverted ways. Don’t you have enough perverted playmates you can play around with?

You make me sick.

You and your fraudulent flamboyance. I hate how you swagger around the place as if you’re God’s gift to the universe. You represent everything that I am against. I can see the fake smile, the fake confidence, the fake compliments, the fake apologies, and just about everything about you that’s fake.

I can see right through you and I really wish that I couldn’t, because it only makes me feel sorry for you. You’re the biggest fraud I’ve ever known and I can’t believe you’re even proud of it.

So, yeah. I hope you’re happy with your life.

Thanks, by the way. Because of you, I’m starting to learn how to tolerate people like you. And yes, there are a lot of people like you, if you want to know.

Ω

Posting this to help a friend out.

Please take the time to read and understand.

I, Maricel M. Cabarloc,writing this appeal for financial assistance
for my three-year old nephew Chris John who was confined at the
Intensive Care Unit of Dr. Victor Potenciano Medical Center. He is
suffering from “biliary atresia” and needs a liver transplant the
soonest time possible. The transplant has an estimate cost of 3.5
million pesos and is to be performed at Taiwan.

Likewise, requesting you to please visit his blog,
http://www.chrisjoh napostol. blogspot. com/ and pass it to your friends
and relatives.

My family and I thoroughly pray that you’ll consider this request.
We would appreciate the every cent you’ll contribute for the medical
needs of my nephew, CJ.

Thank you very much. God bless!

Very truly yours,

MARICEL M. CABARLOC
0916 368 6651

That’s the story of 2008. ‘Twas a sad ending to what was supposed to be a promising year.

I started last year brimming with positive energy. I guess I must have used it all up before the year ended. I can’t blame myself. I needed to have fun. And I really did have fun. For the most part, I think.

Last year, I made the effort of reaching out to people in ways deeper than superficial. And I failed miserably. In the end, I found myself back behind the lonely walls of insecurity that I built around myself. The failed attempts only added another shade of jadedness to my distorted view of everything.

And as you can see, I am now reduced to vague and worthless generalizations.

Not in the mood to write. Not in the mood to talk. Not in the mood to socialize.

I don’t know what I want.

It sucks to be sober.

Happy freaking new year, by the way.